35!

35 pounds? No. You're 35, so maybe the title has something to do with how old you are? Nope, Ben. 35 is the number of inches I have lost from my body in the last 3 months! My pounds lost isn't as big as I've been wanting it to be, but I'm not going to complain about the inches. Apparently I've been gaining muscle and losing fat, thus the larger inches lost. I've lost 15 pounds in that time period, too. I signed up at the gym for this Thin and Healthy Total Fitness program. They tell me exactly what to eat and I weigh in up to 3 times a week. They are there to motivate and encourage and get me back on track when I fall. My long term goal is to be at my healthy weight by March 30th. I do get discouraged, but days like today, when I see good results, motivate me to continue.

Gym Weigh-in

On Saturday the gym's weight-loss contest ended. I got up early and went in for my measurements. Overall I've gained 3 lbs. In 3 months. Kind of pathetic on a weight-loss competition. But, I have to look at the big picture. I actually lost 8 pounds of fat and gained 11 pounds of muscle. I'm trying to be happy with that, but in reality I know I could have done better. Did I tell you that I finished off 2 cartons of ice cream yesterday? TWO!!! That's what happens to me. I don't control anything. It was only in the house because of Ben's birthday party. But, if I was doing things the right way, turning all my choices over to Heavenly Father's will, there is no way I would have eaten all that. A part of me was saying, "just eat it and get it out of the house." Isn't there a better way? Is it okay to be wasteful and throw it away? Or is that a sin, too? I also finally gave in and bought a small bag of Cadbury candy-coated eggs. They are my favorite and I've done well to not buy them this season. Then, last night, I made a late night run to the store for a few things we needed and Kannon wanted some powdered doughnuts. In my mind I thought, "if he gets a treat then I do too." But, he told me he didn't need me to buy them, he just wanted them. So, really, I bought the donuts so that I could justify buying something for me. It's bad. I feel so wicked, too. I'm not finishing what I've started. Why can't I just stop? I have this great friend who has done so well. I think this is about 4 weeks now that she hasn't had the sugar treats we all crave. I have a chart on my wall that I created right after the weight-loss competition started. It's just as blank as it was 3 months ago. And I look just as fat as I did then, and my clothes don't fit any better. But, I'm not quitting. I'll be going to Zumba tonight and shaking what my momma gave me. Someday I hope to have better things to say.

Okay, stop yelling at me!

I know. You weren't yelling at me. But, I kind of was. It's time for me to start this blog back up. For me. I started my final weight loss journey this year. I say final because I don't want to get back on the fat wagon. And I should also call it my eternal weight loss journey because I know it won't be ending in this life time. It's something I'm going to have to work with my whole imperfect life. Until I'm resurrected to a knew and perfect body. I have a food addiction. It's not fun. It's not something I can run away from. It's not the fault of friends or family or bad influences. Okay, well maybe a little. But, food is a constant part of our lives. It's become something to love for me. I love planning food, making food, sharing food and eating food. I eat for fun, for sustenance, for peace, for de-stressing, when I'm anxious, upset, lonely, or tired.

I joined our local gym in November. In January I joined their weight-loss challenge. And it's been a challenge. This is me the beginning of January, on the scale. The only reason I'm smiling is because I was with one of my best friends. We are going through this together.

my starting weight - 226 lbs.

These are my before pictures. Ack! To me that's just gross. And it's not fun feeling that way about yourself. To feel unworthy of being loved because you're fat. I know I don't feel that way about other people. I love them in spite of that weakness. But, we are so much harder on ourselves, aren't we?

Since the middle of January I've been making it to the gym 4-5 days a week. They have a child care for me and I use it most of the time. There have been times when I've gone at 8 o'clock at night because that's the only time I could get there. I missed one week in February when the kids and I were sick. But, for all that effort I was pleased at our 6-week weigh-in to find that I had lost some fat. I gained weight - 8 lbs. - but it was muscle that was gained. Still. To not see the change on the scale has been difficult. I'm still going and still working hard at exercising. Since that weigh-in, on March 5th, I've worked on changing my eating habits. Cutting out the treats and the crackers. Still haven't seen any changes. Not even in my clothes fitting better or just looking better in the mirror. I had an emotional break-down after Zumba on Friday. (By the way, I LOVE Zumba.) I hate all the mirrors in that room and the way I look in them. I was having a harder time that night keeping up. And just felt so discouraged. Like it's never going to happen for me. That no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be fat. That the dancer in my will never be seen. I know those phrases are straight from the Devil himself. But, in the moment, that doesn't register and I just lose it. It didn't last long. And it's not enough to keep me from trying. I know that's what the Lord requires of me. That I keep working on it.

Along the lines of the Lord, I have joined an addiction recovery program here. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (my church) has an Addiction Recovery Program that follows the 12 steps of AA. I've made it to 2 meetings so far. At the first one I came to the realization that I DO have to abstain. For an alcoholic, or nicotine-addict, giving up the substance is key to recovery. For a food addict, what do you do? We have to eat. But, I don't have to eat the junk that's making and keeping me fat. So, I've decided that I will not buy for myself or make at home those yummy goodies that I can't stop eating. That is what I have to do. To make this work in my life. To really follow the Word of Wisdom. I feel that as I do these things I will become stronger and be able to be the one in control of my body.

So, here I am. Still fat. And not too happy with myself. I hope that this journey will lead to some self-acceptance. Even better would be some self-love. That's a commandment, too!

I'm trying to eat healthier and will post some of our meals on my 3rd blog - about food!

http://betsy-bakes.blogspot.com/