Sunday, March 20, 2011

Okay, stop yelling at me!

I know. You weren't yelling at me. But, I kind of was. It's time for me to start this blog back up. For me. I started my final weight loss journey this year. I say final because I don't want to get back on the fat wagon. And I should also call it my eternal weight loss journey because I know it won't be ending in this life time. It's something I'm going to have to work with my whole imperfect life. Until I'm resurrected to a knew and perfect body. I have a food addiction. It's not fun. It's not something I can run away from. It's not the fault of friends or family or bad influences. Okay, well maybe a little. But, food is a constant part of our lives. It's become something to love for me. I love planning food, making food, sharing food and eating food. I eat for fun, for sustenance, for peace, for de-stressing, when I'm anxious, upset, lonely, or tired.

I joined our local gym in November. In January I joined their weight-loss challenge. And it's been a challenge. This is me the beginning of January, on the scale. The only reason I'm smiling is because I was with one of my best friends. We are going through this together.

my starting weight - 226 lbs.

These are my before pictures. Ack! To me that's just gross. And it's not fun feeling that way about yourself. To feel unworthy of being loved because you're fat. I know I don't feel that way about other people. I love them in spite of that weakness. But, we are so much harder on ourselves, aren't we?

Since the middle of January I've been making it to the gym 4-5 days a week. They have a child care for me and I use it most of the time. There have been times when I've gone at 8 o'clock at night because that's the only time I could get there. I missed one week in February when the kids and I were sick. But, for all that effort I was pleased at our 6-week weigh-in to find that I had lost some fat. I gained weight - 8 lbs. - but it was muscle that was gained. Still. To not see the change on the scale has been difficult. I'm still going and still working hard at exercising. Since that weigh-in, on March 5th, I've worked on changing my eating habits. Cutting out the treats and the crackers. Still haven't seen any changes. Not even in my clothes fitting better or just looking better in the mirror. I had an emotional break-down after Zumba on Friday. (By the way, I LOVE Zumba.) I hate all the mirrors in that room and the way I look in them. I was having a harder time that night keeping up. And just felt so discouraged. Like it's never going to happen for me. That no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be fat. That the dancer in my will never be seen. I know those phrases are straight from the Devil himself. But, in the moment, that doesn't register and I just lose it. It didn't last long. And it's not enough to keep me from trying. I know that's what the Lord requires of me. That I keep working on it.

Along the lines of the Lord, I have joined an addiction recovery program here. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (my church) has an Addiction Recovery Program that follows the 12 steps of AA. I've made it to 2 meetings so far. At the first one I came to the realization that I DO have to abstain. For an alcoholic, or nicotine-addict, giving up the substance is key to recovery. For a food addict, what do you do? We have to eat. But, I don't have to eat the junk that's making and keeping me fat. So, I've decided that I will not buy for myself or make at home those yummy goodies that I can't stop eating. That is what I have to do. To make this work in my life. To really follow the Word of Wisdom. I feel that as I do these things I will become stronger and be able to be the one in control of my body.

So, here I am. Still fat. And not too happy with myself. I hope that this journey will lead to some self-acceptance. Even better would be some self-love. That's a commandment, too!

I'm trying to eat healthier and will post some of our meals on my 3rd blog - about food!

1 comment:

  1. You've made some great commitments. I love that you are that honest with yourself. That is the first step. Keep it up and it will pay off. I need to jump on the bandwagon of eating better. It's a good thing.